Sharknado 2.0?

It's shark week. 



















I'm a moody, irritable, full on raging bitch.  I'm so sensitive, practically on the verge of tears for no reason whatsoever yet in a moments notice I could snap and bite your head off.  Back off people.  Jaws has nothing on me.


This morning I woke up in major pain.  My uterus was going "Chris Brown" on me.  Cramps are quite possibly the worst thing next to child birth and heart ache.   The only thing more uncomfortable, would be getting a Brazilian bikini wax from my Father in Law.  I can't wait until my 4-6 day sentence is up and I'm back to my normal, semi-bitchy self.  

Men have no idea what this feels like.  No clue.  I love this little video that came out earlier this year showing 2 men experiencing the "labor like" contractions.  This is just the contractions, not the actual pushing, stitches and goodies that go along with it.  It's so funny.   It's the only thing that has made me laugh all day.  I know my measly little cramps are nothing like this but I swear sometimes I writhe around in such agony that it's reminiscent of labor.   



So needless to say, I'm having a lovely day.  Not.  Today has been the perfect storm of emotions and pain.  Just call me Sharknado 2.0.  For those of you who haven't heard about Sharknado, you aren't missing anything.  It's the dumbest sensation that currently trending.  The premise is a storm in the Pacific Ocean causes water spouts to form and somehow 100's of sharks are sucked up into the water tornadoes.  Then when the tornadoes hit land the sharks go flying everywhere or something ridiculous like that.

Now that I've bored you with my tales of woe and useless information, it's time to get my butt in gear and get a move on.  I need to pour myself a glass of something and start dinner.  Tonight I will raise my glass to the almighty, impending menopause and cross my swollen fingers it approaches sooner rather than later.  

Don't worry, be happy

It's Friday night and I don't want to stress about life's little hiccups so I'm going to put on my Jam of the Day and have a great night with my family.

Remember, don't let your happenings destroy your happiness.

Today's Jam

M.I.A

Well, I'm back.  I didn't really go anywhere, but I've been MIA.  Mentally In Adequate.  I have been avoiding my "blog-ligations" because I have felt the ugly pressures I put on myself and been unable to keep up with my end of the bargain.  The bargain being, "I'm going to write every day for one year and see where it takes me."  Blah, blah, blah.  I hate that I can let myself down in an instant and hate myself for it but it doesn't really seem to stop the action.  But when it comes to others, I have such guilt that there is no way I can let them down.  Why can't I be a priority to myself?

You know what?  Enough of this damn guilt.  I'm going to take the pressure off myself and say, I will write when the "feeling" comes over and not because I have to.  I want to write when I have something on my mind that's worth sharing.  I can only do what I can do.  Plus I can't stand the fact that I'm trying so hard to please others and have lost sight that this whole experiment was for me to figure my shit out. So far this summer, I've stressed my tan self out and I'm still confused as to where this life is going to lead me.

I know I'm not alone and others can relate.  Not knowing where you will be in a year career wise  is freaking scary.  At this point, I don't even have a career.  First I have to find it and "make it work" like Tim Gunn always says.  

The only certainty in all of this mess is that I have no choice but to keep the faith and trust that whatever happens will happen because it is supposed to.  That's the delusion I've mentioned before, but it's so hard.  I'm human and weak.  Sometimes I want to throw my hands up in the air and wave them like I just don't care and say, "Eff it," but that damn guilt whispers in my ear, "put your hands down, you look like a crazy person, your daughter is watching you, plus you didn't shave your pits!"  Dang it, I knew I forgot something this morning in the shower.  Sidebar thought:  Don't you hate it when you shave your legs but skip a strip and have a patch of spikes going down your leg?  I'm rocking the spikes right now on my left calf and it's driving me crazy!!

Where was I besides lost and confused and probably PMSing?  Oh yeah, I've regressed.  I'm tempted to take my sophisticated photo off and go back to just the perm pic, but I'm not.  I'm just going to relax a bit.  Pressures are off, I'm going to walk around singing "Que sera sera!"  I have to just come to terms with the fact that sometimes in life there are set backs and monkey wrenches get thrown into the equations.  Truth is, most of the times we are the monkeys throwing the wrenches.  Growing up isn't easy, life is hard.  Some would even say, it's "bananas."  ;)  Time to "peel" away the layers and get down to the nitty gritty.  I'm not a failure, I'm just a work in progress.

For a good time, head over to pinterest.

If' you are not on pinterest.com, you are really missing out.  I go there for everything from craft ideas, recipes, home decor and my all time favorite, the funny links.  OMG, if you ever feel like being unproductive you MUST head over to Pinterest and waste the day or night away.  Seriously, you will be in a trance for hours.  I had every intention to write a nice, uplifting blog today but instead I got sucked into the Pinterest Portal.

These are some of the funnies I found today.  Enjoy.  Thanks Pinterest for taking the last 4 hours of my day.

The feeling...

My heart races when I feel as if I have something to say.  I know when it's time to sit and write.  It's kind of familiar and uncomfortable at the same time.  It's almost like a delicious, panic attack.  It's hard to explain, but I just know if I don't get it out, it may be gone forever and I'll regret it instantaneously.  I have that feeling at this very moment but I have no clue what it's about.  It's frustrating.  So I'm just going to sit here and take a deep breath and see what comes out.  I have no idea where I'm going with this but I'm going to just go with it.  This feeling is almost "out of body," if that makes any sense?  I don't know what I'm saying, I just speak.  

I just had a thought.

What if it's not me who is supposed to speak today?  Could it be you?  Maybe you have something weighing on your heart and have been too afraid to say it.  Take a deep breath and just say it.  But when you do, speak encouraging words.  Uplift others and love, even when what you have to say may hurt.  That old saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is the biggest crock of you know what.  Words hurt more that scrapes and bruises.  They penetrate the soul and leave a wound that's slow to heal.  Sometimes they scar.   

And just like that, the feel is gone.  Anxieties have settled and satisfaction rushes over.  Nothing life changing or poignant words were spoken, but something was said. 

And I can live with that.

Insert Clever Title Here

Why is it that when you have tons to do, you don't want to do it?  Today is one of those days.  I have been playing with a balloon with my daughter for over an hour.  So far she's winning.  You know the fun game where you pop the balloon up in the air with one hand for as long as you possibly can.  I did it so long that I got motion sick.  I had no choice but to lay down and take a nap.  ;)  It was a hard decision. 

Now I'm gonna start the chores because I don't want to do it tomorrow on my day off.  (Yes, every day is like a day off.)  I plan on heading to the pool and getting a Strawberry Lemonade and Strawberry Almond Chicken Salad from Wendy's.  Yum!  Those stupid commercials get me every time.   Anyway, it's off to do the laundry, clean the bathrooms and wash those darn dishes again.  Talk about living life in the fast lane. 

Oh, I just remembered a cool trick a friend of mine shared with me years ago. Fill your sink with Pine-Sol or my favorite Mr. Clean with Febreze for a few hours and walk away.  This way when your spouse comes home he/she thinks you cleaned all day because your home smells great!!  Sneaky, sneaky.  

I hope you have a wonderful day.

Confession time

I'm freaking out, just a little.  Yesterday, I mentioned I was having a bad day. Well it's more of a bad couple of weeks.  I hate that I stress myself out for no reason.  My stress level has slowly been creeping back up with this new "life plan" that I'm trying so desperately to create but honestly, I'm getting no where.  What am I going to do with myself for the REST OF MY LIFE?? Pass me the paper bag, because I'm about to hyperventilate. 

When I decided to take this summer off to be with my daughter, I was determined to "find myself." Well, I've been found in the form of a 35 year old mother, who loves reality TV, coffee, wine, her family, is fluent in both English and sarcasm that would rather write about nothing than get a real job. Anyone know how to make a living off that?  :)  Anyone?

Life is all about taking chances, making difficult choices and having a positive attitude. I know it's hard, and even I sometimes have to "fake it till I make it."  I pride myself in finding the positive in most situations.  I don't like negative people.  They kill my buzz.  I'm the only grouch allowed in my life.  Today, I'm in good spirits and want to say out loud and proud, "I SURRENDER!!  Whatever is gonna happen is gonna happen and I'm ready for it!"  This fear is not cool and I'm only hurting myself. It's not me.  Time to up the ante.  Figure my shit out and do something.  Who's with me?  I feel empowered and ready.  But first I gotta get out of my pajamas.  Then I can say...

There's nothing I love more than an encouraging song.  That's why I love Sara Bareilles.  I feel like she gets me, she speaks my language.  You may have to go to youtube and watch it, but I promise it's worth it.  Not just because the lyrics are great but because 2 of my boyfriends are in it.  Adam Levine and Josh Groban.  Yes, I realize that they are completely opposite but Adam is pretty and Josh is funny.   Plus Ben Folds says, "farted" and I love that word for some immature reason.  I'm about to put on my sassy pants on and dance.  My life is Uncharted.  :)  




"I won't go as a passenger, no, waiting for the road to be layed.  Though I may be going down, I'm taking flames over burning out."

Note to self

I hate when I have something to say but don't know how to say it.  It's really frustrating.  Today's blog post would have been done hours ago if I wasn't so darn indecisive.  I'm really starting to get on my own nerves.  

I feel like I could scream at everyone and everything today.  Maybe I'm getting my period, I don't know. What I do know is I need to turn my frown upside down and quit being in this blah mood.  I have things to get done around here and no desire to do so.  This blog is for me.  

Andrea, are you reading this?  Quit it already.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself for no reason whatsoever and do something about it.  Remember when you were a teenager and you wanted to have your own variety/talk show?  What was your theme song going to be?  "Member?  You member?"  :)  That's right. Put it on right now and quit your bitchin'.  What did you used to sing over and over again?  Sing it out loud when it comes on.

"Oh, I believe

Fate smile and destiny

Laughed as she came to cradle,

know this child will be able

Laughed as my body she lifted, 

know this child will be gifted

with love, patience and faith

she'll make her way

she'll make her way

People see me, 

I'm a challenge to your balance

I'm over your heads 

how I confound you and astound you

To know I must be one of the wonders

God's own creation

and as far as you see you can offer me 

no explanation."

Now, don't you feel better.  Yes, yes, you do.  So get up and make it a great day.  

Yes, ma'am.  :)

  

*Edited to add this little thought.  Maybe this isn't just for me.  Maybe it's for you too.   Remember that you are one of the Wonders, God's own creation.  Take my theme song today if you need it.  Remind yourself that "you'll make a way!"    

Let's do this...

I am a creature of habit.  Every morning I wake up and do the same thing and it starts the night before. 

I set my alarm with capability to snooze at least 3 times.  For example, I need to wake up no later than 6:00 a.m. I set my alarm for 5:45 so I can begin to wake myself up.  I cannot just get up the first time, I have to "psych" myself out into thinking I am getting an extra 15 minutes before I can actually get out of bed.  This drives my husband bananas because he just sets his mental clock for 6:00 and wakes up.  Seriously, he says, "okay brain, wake me up at 6" and sure enough he's up at  6 a.m. on the dot.  Freak.  :) 

Once I've managed to convince myself that getting up is necessary, I will stumble to kitchen to get some coffee.  Hopefully, I would have remembered to set the coffee the night before or that my husband would have made it already because waiting is not something I know how to do.  I can't stand to wait.  I'm a "hurry up, let's go" kinda girl.  I will stare at the pot and chant,  "Open.  Open.  Open" like that old Mervyns commercial.  The only thing that seems to keep me calm while I wait is my boyfriend, aka phone.  I can scroll through Facebook and see what kind of drama I missed or who had what for breakfast.  I can even see who I can be annoyed with.  You know that person that has already managed to run 5 miles and burn a butt-load of calories before I've even had a chance to brush my teeth.  Jerks.  How dare they take care of themselves?  :)

I woke up this morning and didn't know what day it was.  I was completely discombobulated.  (Sigh.  I love that word.)  

This weekend was the perfect combo of crazy.  My husband was busy working on his vehicle, helping his dad with all the work on his property, swimming with my daughter and nephew, breakfast with my parents, grocery shopping, helping my aunt and uncle move from one home to another and still trying to maintain a semi clean house.  I wish I could just "ah-ah-ah-ah-ah" my way to a clean home like Giselle from Enchanted.  If I were to try it my neighbors would probably just yell, "SHUT UP" and I'd still have the housework to do.  The only thing I have in common with Giselle is all the chores that need to be done.  Disney, why do you make it look easier than it really is?  



Along with the chores I have to do, I'm dealing with 9 year old drama...again.  She's going nuts over having to clean her room.  I don't think picking up after yourself is that much to ask?  I now get why my mother was so annoyed that I just shoved everything in the hamper.  It's because SHE had to wash it.   I'm not going to wash the same clothes she hasn't worn again this week just because she didn't put them away.  She's going to have to do it herself.  I had my daughter sort her clothes and start the washing machine.  Now she's the one that is annoyed.  Annoyed at all the stuff that she has in her room and I'm annoyed that I bought her half that shit.  My daughter is so artsy fartsy that she has more paint and craft crap than she knows what to do with.  It's every where.  In nooks and crannies, drawers, in boxes and containers.  She has a large cookie jar full of sparkles, rows of glitter, chalk, crayons, pencils, paper, you name it.  I should put a sign on her door that says, "Hobby Lobby."  It's ridiculous.   She's even taken over my former office/closet/laundry room.  I feel like I owe my mother an apology for my room growing up but I know she's secretly paying me back by keeping stuff she doesn't need that I will eventually have to go through when she's gone.  Well played, mother.  Well played.  

Enough with the rambling thoughts and complaining about stuff that has to get done.  I feel semi-caffeinated enough to get up and see if my daughter is actually cleaning her room or just sitting there watching TV.  Quiet kids are dangerous.  I hope you all had a wonderfully, crazy weekend and are ready for another great week.  Let's do this.

Independence Day

Today is the 4th of July.  All the fireworks, patriotism and family.  I love it all. So thankful to be living in the land of the free.

I got my first taste of freedom when I moved out of my parents home.  I was about 19 and wanting to make my own rules.  It was the scariest and most liberating moment of my life.  Scary, because I did it without telling my father and moved out when he was at work.  I didn't even have the balls to tell him face to face so I did it in a letter because writing was kinda my thing.  I wrote an amazing, "Dear John," letter to my dad.

That Sunday afternoon, I packed up my Tiffany box blue, Ford Contour to it's max capacity and made the trek about 30 minutes outside of town to my uncle's 10 acre property where I would be living with my favorite cousin, Angela.  (Shhh, don't tell my other cousins.)  Miss Daisy and I turned up the tunes, put the pedal to the metal and raced off to freedom.  (sidebar:  Miss Daisy was my car's name because she was a manual transmission and for the first few days I didn't know how to drive her so my mother had to take me places.  If my friends wanted to go any where I'd have to ask if my mom could drive and it was totally lame.)  Anyway, I don't think scary is the right word to describe my feelings at the time.  More like petrified with a side order of nervous diarrhea.  I was going to be on my own.  Alone, in the woods, on 10 acres with a 21 year old with a shot gun.

The first few nights were horrible.  Angela worked overnight at the local grocery store as the overnight manager and I was on my dad's shit list for moving out the way I did, so going home to sleep was out of the question.  Instead, I played the "what was that?" game with every rustling leaf, hooting owl and howling wind sound I heard.  God forbid, the motion lights turned on.  My heart would race and I'd cry in the corner of my room!  I once threatened a raccoon with a can of soup.  "Hello??  Who's out there?  Go away now!  I have cream of mushroom and I know how to use it!"

I only felt safe when Angela was home.  She was so brave and not scared of anything.  Except scorpions.  I remember this one time we were some how both in the bathroom at the same time and on the wall above the door was a huge, I mean ginormous 2 inch scorpion.  We were so frozen in fear and needed an exit strategy.  How were we going to out smart the beast that was threatening our lives?  Light bulb moment:  Let's attack that mofo with rubbing alcohol!!  But how?  A-ha!  Water guns!  Genius!!  We both loaded our weapons, wedged ourself into the one person standing shower and unloaded rounds and rounds of isopropyl alcohol on the enemy.  He didn't go down without a fight but when he did, we cheered and laughed our way out of the bathroom.

Another memorable moment in becoming "independent" was the first time we had a severe thunderstorm warning in the area during the middle of the night.  The thunder shook the little house and the rain sounded like bricks hitting the tin roof.  I, in a state of panic, ran to Angela's room and said, "Can I sleep with you?  I'm scared!"  She rolled her eyes and said, "I guess." in her usual way.  LOL  Oh the crazy times we had in that little cabin.

People are right when they say, "growing up ain't easy!"  Paying bills, watching how much water and electricity use and gasping at the grocery bill is just a small piece of the puzzle.  It's those pieces combined with making lasting memories, spending time with the people you love and finding yourself somewhere in the mix is what it's all about.   Cherish your family time.  Laugh often and always be eternally grateful for the freedoms we've been given.  We have so much to be thankful for even if it doesn't seem like it at the moment.  You may be in debt, or unhappy with your body, looking for love or just trying to figure it all out.  Celebrate what you do have, take a good look around you and take a deep breathe.  It's all gonna be alright.  

Have a wonderful day.  Happy 4th!!  

Be brave and let your "special" sparkle.

Staying home with my daughter this summer has been the biggest gift I've ever given myself.  She's 9 going on 16 and I wish time would just stand still for one moment so I can savor every moment I have with her.  We have been making life-long memories, talking about everything under the sun as it darkens our skin by the pool.

The other day we were talking about puberty and all the scary things that come with raising a "tween" as she calls herself and it had me in a panic as to how fast time has flown by.   I distinctly remember when she was just about 3 weeks old, laying in our bed because that was the only way to get her to stop crying.  I un-swaddled her pink blankets and put her teeny tiny foot into the palm of my hand and closed it.  It was so small, soft and fragile.  I told myself to remember that moment because she wouldn't be this little forever.  Now that same little baby is nearly my height, wearing a size 4 shoe and starting to become a young lady.  Sometimes when she's sleeping I go into her room and put her pedicured foot in my hand and wonder, who will she become?  What do I want her to know about me?  What do I need to tell her so she doesn't make the same mistakes I did?  This blog is for her.   

THINGS I WANT YOU TO KNOW BEFORE YOU LEAVE THIS HOUSE:

1. GOD IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER  One thing I learned from my mother and if you don't learn this from me, I've failed you.  God is ALWAYS the answer.  If you don't know what to do, pray?  You don't feel well?  Pray.  Is your heart hurting?  Pray.  When you have no words.  Pray.  God will never let you down, leave you or hurt you.  He is always the way and with you even when I'm not.   
2. CALL YOUR MOTHER EVERY DAY This is more of a commandment than something I want you to know.  :)  Just because you will leave my home one day, doesn't mean you will ever leave my heart. Even if you don't like me, I will love you.  There will come a day when I will be annoying and "don't understand you" but I'll be waiting for you on the "other side."  I can't wait to be your friend and not just your mother because you, my "pumpernickel bread" are going to be the coolest chick and not because I made you but because I know you.  So call me! 
3. BE WEIRD...IN A GOOD WAY.    Remember to always embrace your inner weird because those differences make you special and it's that "special" makes you sparkle.    
4. BEING INDECISIVE ISN'T A GOOD THING  Being able to make up your mind is important.  Don't be "wishy washy."  Stick to your guns, follow your heart and go for it even if it seems impossible.  You have a good head on your shoulders and can do anything you want in life so just try it.   Don't be like mommy and be paralyzed by your fears.  Take a deep breathe and jump.  You may fail but who the hell cares?  You tried and I'm proud of you for that.
5. SPEAK YOUR MIND   This, I know will be easy for you because it's evident already.  Keep it up little mama, just keep it classy.  If you don't like something, say so.   Just say it in a respectful way.   Don't go "Jerry Springer" on anyone for any reason.  It's not cute, you will look and sound stupid and will instantly regret it.  Act like a lady not a psychopath.  Be ballsy not bitchy.
6. TRAVEL THE WORLD I know I tell you this all the time but you just HAVE to see the world.  Save your money, grab your bffs and make a plan.  Drink wine, kiss boys, (don't tell daddy I said that) go on adventures with your girls.  Don't settle to just look at the pages in books.  See them for yourself.  Don't wait for your "bucket list," go while you can still look cute on a nude beach.  :)  You haven't lived until you've seen an old man in the buff, reading a newspaper.  Trust me.  
7. LIVE ON YOUR OWN BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED  If you can't take care of yourself, you have no business getting married.  Don't go from our house to his house.  You need to find who you are and learn how to take care of yourself before you can be anyone's wife or mother.  Don't have any regrets by rushing into things.   
8. GET YOUR HEART BROKEN AND BREAK SOME HEARTS  Boys suck.  They are going to break your heart, they are going to make you cry but it's worth it in the long run.  Sometimes it won't even make sense why it hurts so much.  It's perfectly normal to feel as though you are literally dying inside.  But you aren't.  Mommy had her heart broken too, I also thought I'd never recover but guess what?   I did and I did better.   That broken heart led me to daddy and that led me to you.  It's all part of the plan.  Embrace it because there is always purpose for pain.  
9. DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK People's opinions don't matter.  Don't worry about what they will say if you following your heart.  This isn't an excuse to go buck wild because you "don't care."  Care a little.  Care about yourself enough to carry yourself with grace and dignity. But if you ever feel the urge to  "bust a move" at the grocery store because your favorite song is on, then just do it.  Who cares?  If you want to sing out loud, then do it.  If you want wear white after labor day, go for it.  Make your own rules.  
10. LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE   Be the light people gravitate towards.  Have a positive attitude about everything.  Don't you dare sit in the "darkness"for too long and feel sorry for yourself.  You are better than that.  If you feel like things are dimming around you.  Remember your inner sparkle, pray, and let it out.   Be brave.  (Please go to Youtube and watch this video .  It's exactly what I'm trying to say to her and to you.)    

BE BRAVE AND LET YOUR SPECIAL SPARKLE!!