Mayday.

2013 was a big year for me.  I finally decided to do something for myself and stop worrying about what others were going to think of me.  I decided and put myself first.  I have never been so thankful for a panic attack in all my life. That horrible day in May was literally my Mayday.  I was so burned out that I was going down in a curled up ball of flames.  I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without thinking I was wasting my life away.  Day after day, tethered to a phone and no balls to call for help.  Enough.  I found the courage to press the eject button and popped my happy ass right out of the monotony.   That was it.  Time to get back to me.   

When I set out to make this public, I was petrified.  I wasn't afraid of what others would think, because honestly, I don't care.  Either you like me, or you don't.  It's okay because I had to find a way to like me.  With or without you. The scariest part was knowing that I would have to listen to what "I" was saying once I gave myself permission to let go.  I promised myself to not over-think things and just type away.  It didn't matter how stupid, pointless or vulgar it sounded.  It is what was stuck inside me and it had to come out.  That, my friends, is one scary thought.  I go commando when it comes to filtration and most of the time I surprise myself with the shit that comes out of my mouth.  That can be taken two ways.  Good and bad.  I can be brilliant and bat-shit crazy in one sentence. I am my biggest fan and my harshest critic.   But nevertheless, this experience was necessary and eye-opening.  There was never really any other option for me, except to find a way to release the years of piled up crap weighing me down and holding me back.  I could feel my insides screaming, "Shut up Andrea, I have something to say." 

I will be the first to admit that what I've said is not original.  It's not clever or even halfway good.  I know this and I'm okay with it.  I bet I could walk in to any Barnes & Noble right now and go straight to the "Self Help" section, close my eyes and grab a random book and read the same shit I've been trying to tell myself with each blog post I've made.  The only difference is, I would NEVER listen to some dumb book or take anything they say to heart.  I'm so annoying that I will struggle to figure it out, bitching the entire way, just so I can say I did it by myself.  It's my way or no way and I acknowledge that.  This stupid trait isn't even my own.  It has been passed down, one generation and stubborn, old broad at a time.   I can see it emerging in my kid and I secretly love it.  It's who we are.

I also realize, I'm not the first person to freak the eff out and decide to let the voices in my head do the talking.  Most of the time when I say something I don't even know what the heck I'm saying or where I'm going with it.  I've learned to trust and just go with it.  I get so in the zone, I forget what I'm talking about and have to "round up the troops" and get back on course.  I'm sure you're probably thinking, "Okay Sybil, calm down.  You're cray cray."  (Robyn, that was a reference for you.)  Go ahead and call it crazy. I call it completely natural.  Plus if you could only see how great my inner dialogue looked, you'd totally understand.  She is very cute, thin, and way too sassy for her own good.   She's everything I aspire to be when I decide to grow up.  

So where do we go from here?   Where will 2014 take me?  Truth is, I have no clue.  I'm not going to make any promises or New Year's resolutions.  Chances are I'd screw them up and feel bad for sucking at them...again.  Besides. Resolutions are depressing.  They say that last year, what I had to offer was not good enough for this year.  Screw that!  What I have decided to do is start each day by letting the voices do the talking.  They are smarter than me anyway.  This year when I look in the mirror each morning I will listen when they say:  

"You, Andrea Jo, are more than good enough.  

You are exactly who and where you are supposed to be.

Destined for greatness and favor.

You are to love others. 
 Unconditionally. 
Wholeheartedly.

Without question or judgement.
 just like you want to be loved.

Put on your big girl panties each day and smile.

No excuses. 

Be the shining star in sea of darkness.

The lighthouse others look for.

Shut up 
and listen to your heart.
Act accordingly.

"Be a prayer warrior not a worrier." 
Remember to possess that "something special" that everyone else wants to have for themselves and have no choice but to come to you to find it.

When you feel like not getting up, 

Get up.

You are worth it.

You are "fearfully and wonderfully made."

Never forget your Mayday.
Share your truth daily.

Take a deep breath and think positive thoughts.  
Speak kindly and listen

and may your days be great."