M.I.A

Well, I'm back.  I didn't really go anywhere, but I've been MIA.  Mentally In Adequate.  I have been avoiding my "blog-ligations" because I have felt the ugly pressures I put on myself and been unable to keep up with my end of the bargain.  The bargain being, "I'm going to write every day for one year and see where it takes me."  Blah, blah, blah.  I hate that I can let myself down in an instant and hate myself for it but it doesn't really seem to stop the action.  But when it comes to others, I have such guilt that there is no way I can let them down.  Why can't I be a priority to myself?

You know what?  Enough of this damn guilt.  I'm going to take the pressure off myself and say, I will write when the "feeling" comes over and not because I have to.  I want to write when I have something on my mind that's worth sharing.  I can only do what I can do.  Plus I can't stand the fact that I'm trying so hard to please others and have lost sight that this whole experiment was for me to figure my shit out. So far this summer, I've stressed my tan self out and I'm still confused as to where this life is going to lead me.

I know I'm not alone and others can relate.  Not knowing where you will be in a year career wise  is freaking scary.  At this point, I don't even have a career.  First I have to find it and "make it work" like Tim Gunn always says.  

The only certainty in all of this mess is that I have no choice but to keep the faith and trust that whatever happens will happen because it is supposed to.  That's the delusion I've mentioned before, but it's so hard.  I'm human and weak.  Sometimes I want to throw my hands up in the air and wave them like I just don't care and say, "Eff it," but that damn guilt whispers in my ear, "put your hands down, you look like a crazy person, your daughter is watching you, plus you didn't shave your pits!"  Dang it, I knew I forgot something this morning in the shower.  Sidebar thought:  Don't you hate it when you shave your legs but skip a strip and have a patch of spikes going down your leg?  I'm rocking the spikes right now on my left calf and it's driving me crazy!!

Where was I besides lost and confused and probably PMSing?  Oh yeah, I've regressed.  I'm tempted to take my sophisticated photo off and go back to just the perm pic, but I'm not.  I'm just going to relax a bit.  Pressures are off, I'm going to walk around singing "Que sera sera!"  I have to just come to terms with the fact that sometimes in life there are set backs and monkey wrenches get thrown into the equations.  Truth is, most of the times we are the monkeys throwing the wrenches.  Growing up isn't easy, life is hard.  Some would even say, it's "bananas."  ;)  Time to "peel" away the layers and get down to the nitty gritty.  I'm not a failure, I'm just a work in progress.