Sleeping in today...

I've decided to rest my brain tonight  (I usually write after my kid goes to sleep).   Who knew thinking EVERY day would be this exhausting?  :)  I'll be back later because I have a lot to say.  Goodnight, good morning, good day.

Source: Uploaded by user via Victoria on Pinterest

Woohoo, Friday

Today marks one week since I've started blogging and I'm loving every minute of it.

A little update on how we are doing.  I say "we" because my mother can't be the only one reading this.  :)       

Here are my week one stats:

Pageviews by Countries Entry Pageviews United States 994 Canada 6 France 3 United Kingdom 3 Russia 3 China 2 Germany 2 Malaysia 1 Venezuela 1

I know this pales in comparison to other blogs, but I'm excited to know that there are people out there reading what I have to say.  So thank you, gracias, danke, terima kasih, merci, 谢谢, спасибо. 

To celebrate the momentous occasion that is Friday, I've decided to share my favorite internet find of the week.  It has brought me so much joy, and I can't stop watching it.  

Some of you blog lovers may have already seen this but OMG, it's worth a look again. I'm so inspired by it, that from now one, I will only walk this way when shopping for groceries, checking the mail or walking the dogs.  If you call me today I promise I will come to the phone like the luminous Joanna Rohrback.   Behold, the wonder that it Prancercise.  



If this doesn't make you smile then you seriously need to take a step back, look in the mirror and "cut the noose and let it loose.  Do the Prancersise Gallop."  (Go to 2:24 please.  You have to.  It makes my heart happy.)  I bet you want to call me now?  ;)

Now that we've all wasted 5 minutes of our morning, we can get back to the same old mundane crap.  Make your bed, make your breakfast, make it to work on time but please make it a great day.  After all, it is Friday, and

.

Woohoo!!

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Sh*t happens...

There comes a time in life when you just have to say, "Enough."

Enough with the excuses, enough with the drama, enough already.

I don't know how people live in a world full of chaos?  I just can't physically do it.  Drama gives me diarrhea.  Don't get me wrong,  I've had those "woe is me" moments.  I've been to Anne of Green Gable's "depths of despair."

If I let myself, I could have stayed in those depths for a long, long time.  But you now what?   That place sucks, and I'm better than that.  There is no need for me to wallow in self pity when I know there is a purpose for my pain.

It's just like childbirth.  There is no other way to get that baby out.  It's gonna hurt, you're probably gonna scream, and you may poop on the table.  Guess what?  It's okay.  Sometimes, the pain is going to humiliate us and there is not a thing we can do about it.  In the end, pun intended, it would have all been worth it.  Where do you think the saying, "Shit happens," comes from?

When I started writing, I had no idea where I was going with this, so my apologies for the preachy blog this morning.  I must have needed to remind myself and possibly someone else of the "this too shall pass" message.  Remember, there is always something we can do about our situation.  Sometimes that something is as simple as just letting go.

On a lighter note, I was trying to find something to demonstrate "shit happening" and this funny little cartoon came up.  I will add it because if made me smile and I can't be "heavy" without humor.  That's my super power.  Nothing makes me feel better than laughing in the face of pain.  :)

Make it a great day!

8 Things I Say To Myself On a Daily Basis

1. "You are not hungry, you're bored."  Get a hobby, fatso.  You are not a competitive eater, you are not going to die if you don't eat the cookies you hid in the vegetable drawer so your family won't find them, and your lungs will thank you next time you have to walk up 3 flights of stairs.  Have a glass of water and take a deep breath.  It's all gonna be okay.
2. "Put your bra on BEFORE your husband sees you in the morning."  This is not for you, but for him.  He doesn't need to be reminded that your sad little bags are resting on your stomach.  Sometimes it's nice to hoist those lovely ladies up and put them back on the shelf where they once sat.  Plus it helps you stand up straight.  :)  It's a twofer.  
3. "Shut up!"  There are will come a time when you will want to tell your husband off, but know that Proverbs 31 frowns upon that.  Instead, bite your tongue and keep your mouth shut because it's not really worth it to verbally assault someone in their own home.
4. "Don't forget the..."  Find a place to put your things!!  You cannot continue to live like this, losing your sunglasses, keys, chap-stick, cell phone and etc. Someone needs to follow you around and whisper in your ear every time you leave.  "Pssst, hey you.  Your phone is on the counter in the bathroom.  Don't forget it or you'll feel incomplete all day!"  
5. "Call your mother before she calls you."  You know if you don't call her by 10 am, she will think you had a fight, are mad at her and now are dead in a ditch somewhere because your disagreement caused you to veer off the side of the road.  And your husband wonders why you are overly dramatic?  "I got it from my mama!"    
6. "Do the dishes now!"  You are not going to want to do them if you sit down to watch one of the 100 shows on your DVR.  No one is going to help, so leaving them there isn't going to help you.  It's just gonna piss you off in the morning when you see them.  Just do them and get it over with.  
7. "Hello Gorgeous!"  Not because you feel particularly that beautiful when you look in the mirror, but because you deserve to hear it sometimes.  Say it sarcastically until you believe it.  Hey, sometimes we have to "fake it till we make it?"  Right?
8. "You is smart, you is kind, you is important!"  Oh Aibileen from the movie, "The Help," you give the best advice.  We do need to remind ourselves everyday. We are smart.  We are kind.  We are important. And we don't have to be these things to anyone else but ourselves.

I was looking for a poignant way to end this blog entry today and the only thing that came to my sophisticated mind was Jerry Springer's famous closing line.  So I will borrow it from him because it fits.  "Be good to yourselves, and each other."  

 

  

Hello Lover...

Good morning ladies.  I say ladies, because when I asked my husband if he was reading my blog his response was, "uh, that's your thing.  A girl thing."  I'm just assuming, but in reality I know most men aren't going to pull up the blog of a 35 year old, rambling woman.  

Now that I know he's not reading I can talk about him.  

I swear, since I started this blog, I feel like me again.  People are noticing my lack of attitude and rediscovered happiness.  Was I really that grumpy?  Short answer is yes.  And it's okay.  I asked my husband if he noticed a change in me and his comedic self said, "I'll notice a change in you when I can talk to you in the morning."  I guess that ain't gonna happen anytime soon.  

What's up with men wanting to talk in the morning anyway?  Leave me alone.  I just woke up and am in excruciating pain from holding my pee for the last 3 hours.  Why the heck did I hold it that long anyway?  Answer is, I was dreaming.  Duh!  Dreaming that I was on my way to the bathroom to pee.  (I hate those dreams, by the way).  Plus when I have a million things to do, the last thing I want to do is talk.  It doesn't mean I don't like you.  It just means I don't like the look of your face.  It's that simple. The only man I want to see that early is Mr. Coffee.  He's my one true love at 5:30 a.m.  If I don't have my cup of coffee within 5 minutes of waking up, you will feel the wrath of Andrea.  Decaffeinated Andrea isn't nearly as pretty as Caffeinated Andrea.   Especially when my family leaves for work and school.  I swear the minute the door closes and I'm all alone, the sun shines brighter, I stand a little taller and chorus of Angels begin to sing in the distance.  Heaven.  

Don't get me wrong, I love my family.  I just love them more when they are quiet, asleep or don't need me for anything.

Now, I can start my day.  

Pipe down already

Ever look in the mirror and think, "Damn, I look good!!"   Yeah, me neither.

Trying to figure out who you are is rather difficult.  Especially, when you look in the mirror and see some strange ass, old lady looking back at you.   When did I become this chick?  Looking in the mirror when you're naked is a whole other story.   A story that should NEVER, under any circumstances be told.  My poor lady bits have literally bit the dust.  They used to say, whoever "they" really are, if you can hold a pencil underneath your breast you need to wear a bra.  Well, what does it mean when you can keep your cell phone, snacks for your children and your wallet under there?  Shit, the contraption I need to hold these puppies up even complains.  36D.  D for "damn girl, are you serious?"

Don't get me started on facial hair.  If I were to not maintain my face the way I do now, the only career option I would have would be Andrea, the uni-browed, bearded lady. Quick, someone alert the Ringling Brothers.  Freak show in the house.  I knew I was in trouble when I went to get my brows and lip waxed and the lady asked, "shall I wax your chin too?"  I was like, "bitch, mind your business," but reluctantly said yes.  My poor daughter just stared at me across the salon as this stranger slathered hot wax all over her mommy's face as if she was making a mold to replicate my face.  

Grow old gracefully "they" say.  "They" don't know what the heck they are talking about.  How am I supposed to age gracefully when walking without popping every joint in my body is impossible?  I've literally become a one man band.

I blame Eve.  She ruined it for all of us.  If she hadn't eaten the dreaded "forbidden" fruit I would possess the ability to sneeze without wetting myself.  But no, she had to be like every other woman in the world and do what she wanted to do.  Heck, with everybody else.  I can't really blame her though.  When someone tells me no, I say yes, even louder.   I dare you to tell me I can't do something.  I double dog dare you.  I will do it even though I have no desire to do so just because you told me no.  Oh, the dreaded curse of being a woman.  We do what we want when we want and blame it all on our mothers.  

Mothers.  That in itself is blog worthy but for another day.  For now, I leave you with this thought.  Age is just a number.  We are who we are and nothing can change that.  Not life, not circumstances, not even ourselves.  I challenge you to look in the mirror this morning and tell that old bitch looking back at you to pipe down already.  You aren't gonna go down without a fight.  If you don't, I won't.

So make it a great day everyone.  Be you, because you are exactly who you are supposed to be.

Attention Shoppers...

There's an old cliche out there, "You can't know where you're going until you know where you've been," and boy, have I been places.  I've had the craziest adventures while at work and I thought I'd share a few today since I didn't quite make it to the library thanks to the demands of being a wife and mother.  How many times  do I have to go to the grocery store?  Why do they eat so much?  Rude.

Anyway...

My first job was the BEST.  I was a hostess at Sea World in Shamu's Happy Harbor along side my BFF, Robyn.  We were so excited to start work that we didn't care what we did, how ridiculously long our uniform shorts were or how many fires in the trash cans we started.  (Remember that, Robyn?)  We were basically the bouncers of the Happy Harbor.  Only kids "yea high" could get past us and our fancy height sticks.  We had so much fun walking around the park sweeping up trash and looking at cute boys.  We even found ourselves older boys in "Management" to make out with.  Oh, "Jason the Water Quality" you were so dreamy with your tan skin, bag of water testing chemicals and fast car aka golf cart.  The fact that he could go anywhere in the park to check the water was so hot.  LOL.  (Can I "LOL" in my own blog?  I don't know the rules but I truly crack myself up sometimes the LOL seems appropriate.)

I left my promising career as Happy Harbor Hostess to pursue the more lucrative field of bagging groceries.   I loved getting to meet new people and look at cute boys.  (Hmm, I sense a theme.)  Boys made me nervous those days and that made me overly loud and talkative. The things I said trying to be funny still make me cringe.  Once a live lobster came down the conveyor belt for me to put in a bag and I jumped back.  The cute cashier boy said, "what's the matter?  Haven't you ever had lobster?"  My brilliant but loud response was, "No, but I've had crabs!"  Seriously, Andrea, "I've had crabs?"    Everyone around giggled and I tried to play it off by rambling on and on about the types of crab dishes I've had like I was Bubba Gump talking about Shrimp.

Then there was the time I was asked to work at a Job Fair for the Grocery store since they knew I was dramatic and liked the theater.  I showed up early that hot, 105 degree San Antonio day thinking I was going to be entertaining the masses in a prestigious fashion.  Nope, I was Kool-Aid.  As in the Kool-Aid Man.  Super Prestigious.

This is not me but it could have been.  Image courtesy of Google.

The Grocery Store must have been desperate for cheap advertisements those days.  They actually let me make homemade commercials on the intercom.  I used to remind people not to leave the store today without picking the L'oreal lipstick that was going to make their smiles brighter and was on sale with $2.00 off coupon!  And that's not all, you could also get a lotion FREE with purchase of St Ives Body Wash!  Wow, You don't say?  It's sad how much I enjoyed hearing the sound of my voice on intercom.  It was so powerful.

I'm still convinced I could have been discovered and make it big as an announcer or voice over artist.

Maybe there is still time?

Lisp or no lisp, I'm gonna be "famouth."

Paying my dues...

I couldn't sleep at all last night.

I kept tossing and turning trying to figure out what I was going to do first.  I had compiled a list of hobbies and careers to research throughout the day.  Crazy things like Private investigator, Pole Dancing, and Ventriloquist to name a few.  Then I realized.  I am going to have to try these things!!

But where do I begin?  Do I need a license to follow people?  Or can I select someone in my family and follow them for a few days in a wig and sexy trench coat?  I am a Google Pro and can find things on anyone and anything, but PI's follow people around in dark SUV's with tinted windows.  Would my family see me in my "Mom-mobile?"  What would I find out about them? Knowing my family, that has me worried.

Pole dancing looks easy enough but I doubt my big ol' mom body can make it up the stage let alone a pole.  Imagine me doing the only dance I know by heart.  The Macarena.  Totes sexy.   

Ventriloquism seems to interest me the most, oddly enough.  I don't know if I'm more interested in the fact that I have decided to create my own puppet from scratch or knowing that I will have the day to myself because I just know my husband and daughter will not be with me that day out of sheer embarrassment.  Back to my puppet. I want a mini me.  I wonder if Pinterest has something on that?  Either way, she's going to be sassy and cute and I shall call her "Hambria."  Once she's complete I will take her with me every where for one day and only speak through my little representative.  Why does this excite me so much?  Ventriloquism is moving up the ranks of top career choices  faster than it took me to figure out how to spell Ventriloquist. 

Now that I've somewhat vocalized my plan in blog form, I'm planning my day.  

First stop, the San Antonio Public Library.  I need to get some books on the subjects I've listed.  I haven't been to the library since Preschool Story Time with my little girl.  Before that it was college.   But those days I went there with cute boys, pretended to look things up and said things in my flirty voice like, "Remember when we had to look things up with the Dewey Decimal System?" and "Wanna go to the Microfilm Machine room with me?  You can turn the knob."  I never read a book back then unless I had to.  I skimmed.  Anything to get things done quickly and get back to batting my eyelashes.  

Yesterday, I dug around my wallet, blew the dust off my library card and logged into their website to see if it was still active.  It's not.  And I owe $18.   Way to go, Andrea Jo.  Way to go.  

Well, hello Andrea

The other day I was thinking about my life, pondering my purpose and looking for answers.  Well, to be honest I was full on "ugly crying", breathing heavily and freaking the eff out.  I was having my very first mid life crisis.  As I sat on the sofa crying like I just witnessed Shelby die in "Steal Magnolias" all over again, I reminded myself that I was "only" 35 and had plenty of time to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.  That's when it hit me.   Am I not grown up already?  Are these little white sprouts infesting my head not gray hair?  Who am I?   

I don't know about you, but finding my dream and destiny has been difficult.  I'm indecisive, unmotivated, and somewhat lazy.  I can be judgmental, bitchy and obviously a little hard on myself.  When the heck did that happen?  

I remember being a young, spunky girl and with big, big dreams.  I wanted to be the next Connie Chung for goodness sake!!  Oh Connie Chung, how I loved you.  You were all I ever dreamed of.  You had great hair, a real news job, magnificent 90's pant suits and that tall, hot husband, Maury "You are NOT the Father" Povich.  You had it all, girl.  But how was I going to be you, if you were already you?  Scratch that.

Then there was the time I wanted to be an Anchor for the comedy sketch "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live. (Sidebar:  I am well aware that technically there's no such job.  Nevertheless, I wanted it.)  When I finally realized the only way to be the Anchor, I had to be a cast member of SNL first, I hatched a plan to move to NYC and audition for SNL.  They were going to LOVE me.  My audition piece was going to be hilarious.  I would be so incredible that immediately I would be cast as the first "Goat Girl" aside Jim Breuer.  (Google it mother, it did exist.)   I even practiced my "MAAAAA's" but no, that bitch Pamela Anderson beat me to it.  How dare she just show up and steal my thunder?  Darn you Pam, in your teeny, red Baywatch bathing suit, fake boobs and ability to run in slow motion.  You stole my dream job!  How was I going to top that?  Back to the drawing boards.  Sigh, but what?

What about an astronaut like in the movie "Space Camp?"  No, I'm afraid of heights and helmet hair.  A teacher?  No way, kids suck.  A Doctor?  Yeah right, boogers gross me out.  Every day it seemed like I had a new dream.  Those days turned to weeks,  weeks to months and now it's been years since I've dreamed.

When did I become the bra-less mom on the couch?   Wasn't I going to make it big?  At one point I just knew I was going to be on Broadway, although I couldn't sing,  dance or even act.  It didn't matter.  I was gonna be a star.   Every night after my moving performance,  I would stand center stage in my beautiful designer gown, gorgeous "flowy" Diana Ross hair circa 1983 when she sang in the rain in Central Park, spotlight on me, crowd cheering how wonderful I was at God knows whatever I had just done.  It was going to be awesome.  

Cut to today.  I am literally sitting in my little office/hallway, with my family's dirty laundry tumbling in the dryer behind me, wearing pajama's all while tethered to a stupid call center headset.  Talk about multi-tasking.  I am even writing this blog in between calls for ugly t-shirts and shit.  But you know what?  This little blog really perked me up this morning.  Even these old ladies gabbing in my ear can't get me down now.  

Maybe my calling right now is to figure out who I am and just be me?  Andrea.  Not Connie Chung, "Goat Girl," or the unstoppable Diana Ross.  

Well, here I go.  I'm making a plan.  I'm going to find out who I am.  Take this next year and write about it.  I will just have to step out of my comfort zone, try new things, go on adventures and I will let you know what I've come up with. 

 Here's to Andrea.  Goodbye Connie.