Pipe down already

Ever look in the mirror and think, "Damn, I look good!!"   Yeah, me neither.

Trying to figure out who you are is rather difficult.  Especially, when you look in the mirror and see some strange ass, old lady looking back at you.   When did I become this chick?  Looking in the mirror when you're naked is a whole other story.   A story that should NEVER, under any circumstances be told.  My poor lady bits have literally bit the dust.  They used to say, whoever "they" really are, if you can hold a pencil underneath your breast you need to wear a bra.  Well, what does it mean when you can keep your cell phone, snacks for your children and your wallet under there?  Shit, the contraption I need to hold these puppies up even complains.  36D.  D for "damn girl, are you serious?"

Don't get me started on facial hair.  If I were to not maintain my face the way I do now, the only career option I would have would be Andrea, the uni-browed, bearded lady. Quick, someone alert the Ringling Brothers.  Freak show in the house.  I knew I was in trouble when I went to get my brows and lip waxed and the lady asked, "shall I wax your chin too?"  I was like, "bitch, mind your business," but reluctantly said yes.  My poor daughter just stared at me across the salon as this stranger slathered hot wax all over her mommy's face as if she was making a mold to replicate my face.  

Grow old gracefully "they" say.  "They" don't know what the heck they are talking about.  How am I supposed to age gracefully when walking without popping every joint in my body is impossible?  I've literally become a one man band.

I blame Eve.  She ruined it for all of us.  If she hadn't eaten the dreaded "forbidden" fruit I would possess the ability to sneeze without wetting myself.  But no, she had to be like every other woman in the world and do what she wanted to do.  Heck, with everybody else.  I can't really blame her though.  When someone tells me no, I say yes, even louder.   I dare you to tell me I can't do something.  I double dog dare you.  I will do it even though I have no desire to do so just because you told me no.  Oh, the dreaded curse of being a woman.  We do what we want when we want and blame it all on our mothers.  

Mothers.  That in itself is blog worthy but for another day.  For now, I leave you with this thought.  Age is just a number.  We are who we are and nothing can change that.  Not life, not circumstances, not even ourselves.  I challenge you to look in the mirror this morning and tell that old bitch looking back at you to pipe down already.  You aren't gonna go down without a fight.  If you don't, I won't.

So make it a great day everyone.  Be you, because you are exactly who you are supposed to be.