Just shut your face sometimes...

Loving a difficult person is never easy.  I think God puts these people in your life because He's trying to teach you a lesson.  A lesson you won't fully understand and will be continuously taught until you are willing to let your guard down and surrender.  I surrender, so what do I need to learn?

I need to learn that I'm not perfect.  I'm too am a big fuck up.  I'm a hot mess most days and I don't deserve that unconditional love that He gives me, yet I'm quick to judge others on their faults and shake my dumb ass, disapproving finger at them.  Do I really deserve that?  Do they?

I need to learn that I can ALSO have a biting tongue and that yes, even my words can hurt others and that in turn, the way they've hurt me is in direct response to the way I've hurt them.  One word or phrase can change the way someone looks at themselves for the rest of their lives.  One moment where you feel like a bad ass for speaking your mind and saying it like you mean it can literally scar that person so badly that every night  they will go to bed hearing your voice.  Your voice can be the voice that reminds them of the things they hate about themselves the most.

I need to learn that all my "theories" are bullshit.  I can philosophize and analyse till I'm blue in the face but in the end it is NEVER about those pondered thoughts.  People who try and tell you "it's not about all you" are wrong.  It's ALWAYS about you. They are just trying to tell you it's about them too.  Everyone is in it for themselves and that's exactly how it always has been.  It's about what you/they feel.  How you/they react.  How you/they move forward.  Maybe wanting to change the world isn't really about the world?  Maybe you/they want to change your/their own world?  If everything in your/their world was perfect then why change it?  Why fight it?  Because, ultimately you/they deserve the love too.  

Next time you want to say something, don't.  Take a deep breathe and think.  Will saying what you need to say make you feel better at the expense of others?  If so, then shut the eff up.

Who's the Asshole now?

Ever want to smack the shit out of someone but don't want to see them hurt at the same time?  If it weren't "frowned upon," I think I'd punch my husband in the face right now.  Not because he's done anything wrong, but just because.  Just because every single thing he is doing tonight is putting me in the mood for a little Alanis Morrisette and a mandatory timeout.  I'm not even on my period.  I'm just bitchy.  Whatcha gonna do about it?  Huh?

I swear if he looks at me, I'm going to flip out.  Just leave me alone please.  I'm in a mood and I can't even figure out why?  Maybe I'm sleep deprived, or stressed.  Maybe I need a day off?  Remember when I didn't even have a job?  Ha!  That's what started this whole mess.  Now look at me?  Complaining  just to complain.  And about my wonderful hubby who took the week off work so our kid had someone to hang out with while she was on Spring Break.  "Wonderful" my ass.  I bet he did it to piss me off by showing me his ability to clean and organize and remind me that I suck at it.  God, he's annoying.  If he's annoying, then what's my problem?  I know!  Let's play my favorite game-"Analyze the Asshole."  Only this time, I get to be the Asshole.  Okay,  first step in this fun, little game is to ask myself the annoying therapist questions.  Ready?  This should be fun.  Let's see where this goes, shall we?  

What brings your here?    

I'm mad. 

What's making you mad? 

I don't know.  Everything.  Everyone.  Life. 

Why do you say "life?"  

Why do you ask stupid questions?

Why do you think they are stupid?  

Because.  

Because is not an answer.  

Because I don't know what my problem is.  Sometimes I get so far into my own head that I can see my ass and I still can't figure out how to get out.  I don't know how to let things go.

What do you want to let go of?

I want to let it all go.  I want to know that, no matter what, I'll be okay.  That I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I have no reason to be upset at anyone.

Then why are you upset?

You tell me?

Why would I know why you are upset?  I'm not you.  
(Technically, you are smart ass.)  I think I'm just upset with myself.  I'm upset that I've let myself get here again.   I'm upset that, no matter how hard I try, how many steps forward I take, how great things get, I can always take 10 steps back. 

So what are you going to do about?

I don't know.  I don't want to say "change it" because I've said that before. But what can I do?

Your best is all you can do.  Remember?

I remember.  

But you got to do something.

Okay.  

So are you really mad at your husband?  

No.
So what does that tell you?
That it's never about the person you are mad at.  

So why do you want to hit him?

I guess I don't.  

Yeah, you don't.  Do you want to hit yourself instead?

No. I'm too pretty to hit.  

Welcome back Andrea.  Welcome Back.  :)

He's talking to me.  :)

The song remembers when...

This morning I was cleaning up the breakfast dishes, hands deep in the water while listening to Pandora.  I like to put some music on to take away the pain of doing the mundane.  Anyway, there I was scrubbing pancake batter off the pyrex measuring cup, minding my own damn business when a song came on and immediately jolted me back 20 years in 2 bars.  Eff you Pandora and your voodoo magic powers.  How dare you get all up in my business and remind me of that dumb ass heart-broken teenage girl?  She is long gone, but right here at the same time.  

Do you ever wonder about your first loves?  What they are up to and what they look like and if they ever think about you?  I think it's completely normal and whether it's healthy or not, I don't know.  I'm not a therapist or even slightly qualified to make that declaration, but that has never stopped me before.  I think there a lot of happily married women out there, who like me, day dream about their husbands and smile just thinking about him, but every once in a while something triggers a feeling you thought you forgot about.  My trigger was just pulled and I blame Dave Matthews for feeling a long lost sadness wash over me.  When it was over, I thought to myself, "Self, I don't think you are alone.  I think others do it too but don't want to admit it!"  I decided to sit down and see if anyone else had the balls to say they were with me.  Anyone?  What's your song?  

10 Movie Quotes and How They Relate to my Life

1. "Help me, I'm poor."  - Bridesmaids  
   It's been about a month and half since I got my ass back to work.  What I initially set out to do was get a job because we needed the money and my sarcasm and sex appeal wasn't paying the bills no matter how hard I tried.  What I found is something I didn't expect so soon.  I found a teeny piece of myself.  Every once in awhile, she creeps back in the form or a stupid dance in the break room, a "Thumbs Up Thursday," or a simple chat with my co-workers where I can actually hear the old me talking again.  It's nice to be "in first class" even though I don't belong...yet.
   
   
2. "Fear does not exist in this Dojo!"- The Karate Kid
   My first week, I had the shits.  The second, I puked.  THEN, I realized that I was allowing fear in my Dojo.  Didn't I learn anything from Daniel Son and the Cobras?  Fear does not exist if you don't let it.  I'm happy to say, my anxiety has slightly subsided and I'm able to control my insides MUCH better.
   
3. "ET Phone home"- ET
   
    One thing I've always known, is when in doubt, call my mother.  My mom can either lift my spirits by being supportive or piss me off so bad that I have to prove her wrong.  Either way, it works.
   
   
4. "Look at me, look at me you sloppy bitch"- Mallrats
   Guess what? I AM no longer the bra-less mom on the couch.  I had a good talk with myself about getting out of my funk and getting myself funky.  Wait...that sounds bad.  I'm not funky, I'm fresh.  I'm funky, fresh.   I wear makeup AND jewelry.  Gasp!  Jewelry too?  You go Andrea with your bad self.
   
5. "I'm in a glass case of Emotion" - Anchorman
   I hate that I'm so damn emotional.  Some days I'm terrified, some days I feel like I can conquer the world.  Most days I'm right smack dab in the middle and it can go either way.  I'm teetering on the edge and I guess it's my choice as to which way I will veer.  I just need to find the right tool, and sometimes you have to break the case to get to it.
   
6. "That hurt.  But it really looked good."  -Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion
   I'll just say it again, I can't live if I don't find the freaking bright side.  There is good in almost every situation.  It's almost a game for me now.  Here's a fun one, Week one and two stomach issues = no desire to eat = lose a few pounds=bright side.
   
7. "Show me the money" - Jerry Maguire
   PAYDAYS!!  YAY!   That's all I have to say about that.
   
8. "Have fun storming da castle!" -The Princess Bride
   If you can't have fun while you are trying to take over the world, what's the point?  Right now, I'm doing my best to figure this job out so that I can make something of myself other than a fool.  I'm getting to use my creativity and humor and getting to see your best gal pal every day is a perk.  Plus they have really good coffee.  See?  Another bright side.
   
9. "Lieutenant Dan, You got new legs!" - Forrest Gump
   Like I said earlier, parts of me are coming back.  But you know what?  I've got new parts coming in to.  I'm smarter than I ever thought I was and I actually like looking at numbers.  It's amazing when you put yourself out there and try something new, how "new" you can actually feel. I don't miss my old legs.  These new ones are just right.
   
10. "I'll be back" - Terminator
    I know I was writing almost every day at one point in this adventure and it was therapeutic.  I'm proud to say, I'm coming back to life and I have very little to complain about.  I guess, I'll be seeing you when I have something else to bitch about.  Until then...

Mayday.

2013 was a big year for me.  I finally decided to do something for myself and stop worrying about what others were going to think of me.  I decided and put myself first.  I have never been so thankful for a panic attack in all my life. That horrible day in May was literally my Mayday.  I was so burned out that I was going down in a curled up ball of flames.  I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without thinking I was wasting my life away.  Day after day, tethered to a phone and no balls to call for help.  Enough.  I found the courage to press the eject button and popped my happy ass right out of the monotony.   That was it.  Time to get back to me.   

When I set out to make this public, I was petrified.  I wasn't afraid of what others would think, because honestly, I don't care.  Either you like me, or you don't.  It's okay because I had to find a way to like me.  With or without you. The scariest part was knowing that I would have to listen to what "I" was saying once I gave myself permission to let go.  I promised myself to not over-think things and just type away.  It didn't matter how stupid, pointless or vulgar it sounded.  It is what was stuck inside me and it had to come out.  That, my friends, is one scary thought.  I go commando when it comes to filtration and most of the time I surprise myself with the shit that comes out of my mouth.  That can be taken two ways.  Good and bad.  I can be brilliant and bat-shit crazy in one sentence. I am my biggest fan and my harshest critic.   But nevertheless, this experience was necessary and eye-opening.  There was never really any other option for me, except to find a way to release the years of piled up crap weighing me down and holding me back.  I could feel my insides screaming, "Shut up Andrea, I have something to say." 

I will be the first to admit that what I've said is not original.  It's not clever or even halfway good.  I know this and I'm okay with it.  I bet I could walk in to any Barnes & Noble right now and go straight to the "Self Help" section, close my eyes and grab a random book and read the same shit I've been trying to tell myself with each blog post I've made.  The only difference is, I would NEVER listen to some dumb book or take anything they say to heart.  I'm so annoying that I will struggle to figure it out, bitching the entire way, just so I can say I did it by myself.  It's my way or no way and I acknowledge that.  This stupid trait isn't even my own.  It has been passed down, one generation and stubborn, old broad at a time.   I can see it emerging in my kid and I secretly love it.  It's who we are.

I also realize, I'm not the first person to freak the eff out and decide to let the voices in my head do the talking.  Most of the time when I say something I don't even know what the heck I'm saying or where I'm going with it.  I've learned to trust and just go with it.  I get so in the zone, I forget what I'm talking about and have to "round up the troops" and get back on course.  I'm sure you're probably thinking, "Okay Sybil, calm down.  You're cray cray."  (Robyn, that was a reference for you.)  Go ahead and call it crazy. I call it completely natural.  Plus if you could only see how great my inner dialogue looked, you'd totally understand.  She is very cute, thin, and way too sassy for her own good.   She's everything I aspire to be when I decide to grow up.  

So where do we go from here?   Where will 2014 take me?  Truth is, I have no clue.  I'm not going to make any promises or New Year's resolutions.  Chances are I'd screw them up and feel bad for sucking at them...again.  Besides. Resolutions are depressing.  They say that last year, what I had to offer was not good enough for this year.  Screw that!  What I have decided to do is start each day by letting the voices do the talking.  They are smarter than me anyway.  This year when I look in the mirror each morning I will listen when they say:  

"You, Andrea Jo, are more than good enough.  

You are exactly who and where you are supposed to be.

Destined for greatness and favor.

You are to love others. 
 Unconditionally. 
Wholeheartedly.

Without question or judgement.
 just like you want to be loved.

Put on your big girl panties each day and smile.

No excuses. 

Be the shining star in sea of darkness.

The lighthouse others look for.

Shut up 
and listen to your heart.
Act accordingly.

"Be a prayer warrior not a worrier." 
Remember to possess that "something special" that everyone else wants to have for themselves and have no choice but to come to you to find it.

When you feel like not getting up, 

Get up.

You are worth it.

You are "fearfully and wonderfully made."

Never forget your Mayday.
Share your truth daily.

Take a deep breath and think positive thoughts.  
Speak kindly and listen

and may your days be great."

   

Ship happens.

Can I just say that I hate complainers?   I know I've said it before but I will say it again.  No one likes to hear you whine about everything, every time you talk.  I understand that there are legitimate reasons for someone to complain or be upset.  There are circumstances that can make finding joy in life difficult, but I'm not talking about those people.  I'm talking about the people who have so much to be grateful for but for some unknown reason, they just love to be Debbie Downers.  Can I also just say that I realize I, too, am complaining.  But me complaining about the complainers, is not the same thing as what I'm complaining about.  Stay with me folks.  :)

For me there is nothing worse than a person with a crappy attitude.  They can ruin your day faster than that unpickable wedgie lodged way up your rear for hours on end in the smoldering, Texas heat.  (Sidebar:  I love making up new words, convincing myself that it's legit and the red squiggle underneath is stupid doesn't know what it's talking about so that word should be added to my spell check dictionary.  Unpickable - you are in!)  So where was I?  Oh yes, people with crappy attitudes for no reason chap my hide.  Ha!  Another hiney reference.  I crack myself up. ;)  Anyway - what I'm trying to say is, enough already.  Don't make me smack you upside the head and say, "Whoa, whoa, whoa grouchy goose, what's really going on there?  Are you really upset because people are terrible drivers or DO you just have a terrible attitude?"  Think about it.  Why can't we just give each other a break?   Give that driver a pass or pass him up.  Move away from what's making you mad.  You don't have to be around things that drive you nuts.  Just like I don't have to be around you when you are being negative.  I love you but shut up already. 

You have a choice.  You can choose to be Mr or Mrs Pissy Pants or you can stop, take a breath and realize you are what you say and what you say is affecting those around you.  Choose your words wisely.  Say positive things.  Don't say, "my life sucks," because then it probably will.  I believe the best thing you can do is to say what you want to out loud and declare it to happen.  There is power behind your words.  Find a way to put a positive spin on your circumstances no matter what and focus on that until something great happens.  Example: You aren't in the best shape, well neither am I, so say, "I'm currently in my cocoon phase and I'm working towards the butterfly phase.  It takes time before it can emerge free from all it's layers."  :)  Say what you want to happen and it can.  Believe and have faith.  I said earlier this year that I didn't want to be the "braless mom sitting on the couch" and I'm not anymore.  I'm wearing a bra, thank you very much, and I am at the table PLUS I got a new job starting in January that I'm thrilled about.  See?  Words do have power.

One last thing.  Quit, I repeat, QUIT taking it out on your family.  They love you.  They want you to be happy more than anyone.  They probably were so happy to see you when you got home...until you opened your mouth.  Just breathe.  It's all gonna be okay.  Nothing is as bad as it seems and light can always be found in midst of darkness.  But you have to look for it.  If you're stuck on that negativity ship, lost in the dark, look around for your lighthouse.  It's out there.  There are "lighthouse people" all around you.  Let them light your way if you can't.  Surround yourself with light and it will never be dark.  It's so simple it's stupid.  Yes, shit happens and chances are you will be stuck on that ship again, so just choose wisely my friends.  Choose wisely.

Why can't C be for Cookie?

Today's blog post is brought to you by the letter "C".  As in, cleaning, clutter and crap galore.  I have spent the last few hours organizing my closets, washing clothes and purging.  It feels great to be done with my room but it sucks when you are knee deep in pants you'll never wear again and old bills that need to be shredded.  I need to let things go in more ways than one.

Once I finished my room, I decided it was time to venture in to my daughter's room yet again and go through all of her crap.  I swear that little girl is worse than I ever was.  I'm convinced my mother did some sort of motherly magic spell on me when she said, "just wait until you have kids.  You'll see!"  Those be fighting words mixed in with a little voodoo or something.  You better believe I repeated the hell out of that "magic spell" just in case there is a possibility it will work on her later down the road.  How much crap can one child accumulate?  I can only imagine the mountains of mess mom's of multiple children deal with.  My one little hoarder is plenty.  Well technically this house consists of 2 hoarders and a clean freak.  The clean freak would be my poor, germaphobic husband who has surrendered to the fact that he too cast a spell on his child when he complained about the mess I made.  I love to remind him that God is teaching him to love me more because our daughter is JUST like me.  I bet he prayed for patience.  ;)  (BTW, never under any circumstances should you pray for patience.  You will get trials and tribulations to teach you how to be patient.  God is funny that way.)  

Since I love a good plan and making lists, today I thought I'd share my rules on how I'm going to break my child of turning into her mother:

1. If it's on the floor, it's trash.  I've been doing this with her since she was little.  If there is too much junk on the floor, I will immediately grab the broom and sweep it out into the hallway and threaten to throw it away.
   
2. Whatever you decide to keep, you will take with you when you move out.  Ever since she started school, she has wanted to keep every piece of paper she brought home.  EVERYTHING.  I now say, "do you really want to take this piece of paper about the Pilgrims and a turkey with you when you move out?  I'll pack it up if you do."  She usually thinks about it and decides to toss it.   Maybe I'm mean because although I'll keep the homemade mother's day cards and sweet notes, I don't want 1000+ reading logs and math pages for the rest of my life.  I know 2+2 is 4 thank you very much.
    
3. Putting something under your bed is not putting it away.  This summer I did the meanest, funniest thing ever and it worked.  I told her that leaving paper under the bed attracts huge roaches.  While she was under the bed pulling out the above mentioned reading logs, I screamed, "ROACH" and picked up a crayon with a napkin.  LOL  She freaked out and started crying and her bed has been perfectly bare ever since.  Go Mom!!
4. If you haven't worn it in 3 months, you probably won't again so get rid of it.  This is something I don't do but I'm going to now.  Getting rid of things you don't wear is fun because it means you get to get new things.  :)
    
5. Use it or lose it.  This is a life lesson in itself.  Whatever doesn't get used will only start to fade or tighten up.  Take my knees for example.  Those bad boys pop like crazy if I sit still for too long.  Same goes for your talents.  If you don't practice, it could eventually begin to lose it's special.  

Fingers crossed this works and that the cycle will be broken.  Either that or I pray her husband will love her despite her messiness like mine does.   Here's to hoping.  :)