Lies I tell myself when I'm on my period

1. Chocolate relieves cramps.  I don't know if this is true nor do I care.  I want my chocolate so give it to me then leave me alone.  Granted any studies that have been conducted probably weren't researched using Reese's peanut butter cups or Nutella, but still, chocolate is chocolate. 
   
   
2. I look prettier because my boobs are bigger. Let's face it.  Big boobs distract from bloated bellies and those horrendous 35 year old, woman zits.  These are the zits that have been lying dormant for years underneath the surface of your skin just waiting for the chance to break free.  When they do wake up they usually bubble up like a freaking boil on your face and cause a pain that rivals the worst paper cut with just the slightest touch.  Stupid zit.  
   
   
3. I will be 20 lbs lighter once it's over.  Here's my theory:  Extra water weight = 10 lbs, blood that will discarded = 5 lbs,  tears shed over nothing = 5 lbs.  Therefore 10+5+5=20.  It's not just a theory when there is math involved.  
   
   
4. My uterus is contracting so I have an excuse for being a bitch.  I'm no Dr, but I can't think of another organ that wrings itself out every 28 days.  I swear my uterus was a contortionist in another life.    
   
   
5. I need wed wine to replenish the fluids I am losing.  (*Yes, I drink wed wine lol ) I read somewhere that dehydration causes premature wrinkles.  Not on my watch.  Since I'm forced to lose fluids at a rapid rate every month and I don't want wrinkles, then I better stay hydrated.  See?  It's a win/win. Plus I heard red wine is good for your heart so I have no choice.  It's for my own good.
6. Everyone else is an idiot.  You know that phrase, "The freaks come out at night?"  Well, The idiots come out when I'm menstruating.  It's never me.  It's them.